Love, gunsmoke and fries A noir fastfood story
by RavenInDarkness
Summary: One fateful night, Ronald McDonald returned home to discover that his beloved wife Birdie was dead. Years later he's still looking for her killer amongst the inhabitants of his busy town. Soon he will discover that the worst betrayal is yet to come...
1. Chapter 1

Ronald stepped out into the dimly lit parking lot. He made no sound save for the faint splashes his feet made as he walked through one of the various puddles left after the day's rain.

This was it.

After years of searching, he'd finally discover who was behind the untimely death of his beloved Birdie. They had been the best of friends and even better lovers until the night he came home to discover her naked and brutalized corpse draped across their king-sized waterbed. Beside her was a tray holding food for two people, a Happy Meal and a Big Mac.

Ronald shook his head clear of the bad memory. He needed to keep his head clear for tonight. Ronald had posted several discreet messages in a select few places and finally had received a response via the disposable cell phone he'd purchased just for the occasion.

The text message had been brief. "Burger King parking lot. 3 am. Come alone."

A quick movement by the Burger King dumpster drew Ronald's attention.

"Pssst! Over here!" said a faint voice.

Ronald cautiously walked to the dumpster and leaned against the side. Hidden in a small crevice was the King.

"It's… been a while," said Ronald. "What do you know about Birdie?"

"Too long. We were close once in college, weren't we?"

"If I wanted to think about our past I could do that in my own home. You called me out about Birdie. Don't BS me now."

Ronald had known the King briefly in college. They'd had a rather intense friendship that had culminated in one shining moment between the two of them where they'd agreed to a partnership in the burger business. Then the fights had begun over how things would be prepared and who would be spokesperson. Not even the best of moments between them could survive the fallout that occurred afterwards.

The King sighed. "I know that she wasn't alone. That Big Mac wasn't for you, Ronald." At the sight of Ronald's face the King jerked back. "It's true and you know it. She was two timing you for years and you just looked the other way."

"Birdie had… many needs. Do you know who it was?"

"Mayor McCheese. She'd been seeing him off and on for a while."

Ronald sighed. That was the last name he'd wanted to hear about this. Mayor McCheese was a powerful man. He'd started out as one of Ronald's managers and then swiftly moved up the ranks to one of the company partners. Birdie had been fascinated with McCheese's ambition and work prowess, but then Birdie had always loved a powerful man. Soon after achieving partnership McCheese had run for the office of mayor for Foodville. He'd won in a landslide over the previous mayor, C. Cheese.

In any case, if Mayor McCheese was the one who'd killed Birdie then there was a chance that Ronald would never bring him to justice. People had tried to finger McCheese for various crimes of differing severity. Around the time Birdie was killed, the scandal had been about a woman who claimed that McCheese had been embezzling city funds. A few months after the woman had voiced her complaints, the charges were dropped and the woman changed her tune and moved out of Foodville.

"How do you know this? What's to say that you aren't trying to get one over on me?" asked Ronald.

The King hesitated. "Because I'd asked Birdie if I could come over that night. We'd meet up occasionally for a little hanky panky. She said that she already had company- McCheese."

"Why would she tell you this?" Ronald had to restrain himself from reaching over and snapping the King's neck in anger. Birdie? With his bitterest rival?

"She liked me knowing who she slept with. It was almost as if she liked throwing it in my face." The King saw the bloodlust in Ronald's eyes. "I didn't kill her! I swear! I loved her, Ronald. I wanted her to run away with me but she wouldn't leave you."

The King was openly weeping, tears falling down the plastic-like features of his face that had been botoxed into place. "Despite all of the times you neglected her for work, she was devoted to you. She may have slept around but she didn't deserve what happened to her."

Ronald took a deep breath, then walked away.

"Wait! Where are you going?"

"Where else? To Mayor McCheese's".


	2. Chapter 2

Mayor McCheese's mansion was a sight to behold. It was a mixture of both new and old architecture. New concrete and plastic additions stood beside the marble and brick of the original mansion. Every year McCheese would add on another wing to his home. The resulting monstrosity was both breathtakingly ugly and beautiful.

Ronald pressed the gate buzzer and was told to drive up to the main gates. Ronald passed a young servant the keys to his silver Phantom. Once inside the mansion Ronald paused to admire the gorgeous interior design. Evidently whomever was choosing the appearance of the outside of the mansion did not have any say in the interior design.

Ronald was shepherded into a small but homey feeling lounge where Mayor McCheese sat on a small sofa. He wasn't alone, but then he so infrequently was. McCheese was well known for his many conquests and the latest one appeared to be a rather buxom blonde who was currently nibbling on McCheese's neck and rubbing his chest.

"RONALD!" boomed Mayor McCheese. "For what do I owe the pleasure of this visit? It's been a few months, hasn't it?" McCheese stood, temporarily interrupting the seductive ministrations of his female companion.

It HAD been a few months since the last time Ronald had seen him. It had been a local charity auction and McCheese had auctioned off several of his own personal items.

"I have to speak to you privately." Ronald looked at the young woman. "Alone."

Mayor McCheese waved the young lady off. She walked out of the room swinging her hips seductively.

Ronald sat on one of the lounge's many chairs. "You slept with Birdie, didn't you?"

Mayor McCheese sighed heavily and sank into a chair. "I was wondering when you'd come about that. I was beginning to hope that you would never have discovered that." He reached for a tray next to him that held a decanter full of brandy. McCheese poured two shot glasses full of the dark liquid and offered one to Ronald.

"I loved her. Hell, anyone who ever met Birdie loved her. She had this way of lighting up whatever room she was in. I knew that she was yours but I couldn't help it. When she looks at you in that certain way… even the Pope himself wouldn't be able to turn down a chance to be in Birdie's bed. That's why I was crushed when she told me she was breaking it off with me. The only thing that crushed me more was when I discovered she was dead."

McCheese quickly downed the shot of brandy and then poured another. After downing another shot, he continued. "That's why you're here. You discovered that I was the last one to see her and you assumed I'd killed her. You really think I was capable of that?" McCheese snorted in self-derision.

"I don't know what you are capable of, McCheese. You don't exactly have a great track record, you know." Ronald politely sipped the brandy.

"That's good stuff you know. It's not for sipping. Oh well… you have to drive after this, don't you?" McCheese cleared his throat. "The embezzlement charges were all lies, you know. At least the ones concerning me. I wasn't the one embezzling the funds. It was all the Fry Kids who were doing it. I caught them and managed to keep it out of the news. Birdie knew all about it. She was the one person who believed in me. Me. Mayor McCheese, one of the most seemingly corrupt people in the city. Do you really think that I'd be willing to kill the one person who had faith in me when everyone else didn't?"

Ronald was unable to keep McCheese's bleary gaze.

"Ronald, go home. Get some sleep. You've run yourself ragged these last few years trying to discover who killed Birdie. She wouldn't like you doing this to yourself."

"She was pregnant."

The silence in the room was broken only by the sound of the brandy decanter clinking against a shot glass as McCheese's hand shook.

"You're lying."

Ronald pulled a report out of one of his pockets and tossed it at McCheese. "The tests show that she'd only been about a month or two along, but she was. I don't know whose it was, but that doesn't matter to me. What matters is that my woman died carrying what could have been my child. Seems like I have two deaths to avenge."

McCheese downed yet another shot of brandy. "The only thing I'd heard about her death is that it could have been Hamburgler's work. It's a rumor, but as far as they go… it's the most common one I've heard."

Ronald left the McMansion leaving behind a mostly full shot glass and a broken Mayor McCheese.

The Hamburgler had once been a part of Ronald's company but had been fired due to theft and sexual harassment. Birdie had never liked him, had complained that he'd come on to her a few times.

As Ronald pulled into his driveway, he saw a shadowy figure standing in the lit doorway.


	3. Chapter 3

Ronald stared at the rotund figure in his doorway.

Grimace.

Grimace was both Ronald's happiest moments and his most bitter regret. Years ago when he and the King were still in college Ronald had indulged in a torrid affair with Grimace. It was only when Ronald had discovered Grimace's secrets that he'd ended the relationship. It was a move that Ronald had always regretted.

"Ronald… where have you been?" Grimace's low voice stirred something deep inside Ronald.

After a year of mourning, Ronald had put out an ad for a personal secretary. Grimace had replied. Despite initial doubts about the feasibility of the scenario, Ronald hired the purple creature. Grimace had graduated from Burger University with a degree in business technology, so the argument of experience was moot. Grimace was as good a secretary as he would get.

"I got a call from an anonymous source about Birdie's death. I followed it up." Ronald threw his keys into a small silver bowl that he kept by his front door for just that purpose. Tired and in need of a stiff drink, Ronald strode into his study.

"Ronald…" Grimace's voice was full of reproach. Grimace put up with Ronald's search for Birdie's killer but didn't like what it had done to the smiling redheaded clown of yesterday. It had aged Ronald beyond his years and had put a strain on his everyday life.

"Enough Grimace. I have to do this. You'd be doing the same if it had been me lying in that bed, wouldn't you?" Ronald poured himself a glass of aged wine from his personal stock, then after a moment's hesitation poured another glass and handed it to Grimace.

Grimace took the glass and sipped at the delicate liquid within. "You know I would. You know how I feel about you. How I still feel about you."

"Grimace… I promise. When this is over I can give you all of my attention. Right now though… I can only give you pieces of me. That's all I have left right now." Grimace placed the wine glass down and moved next to Ronald. Pressing him down onto the sofa, Grimace proceeded to rub Ronald's back.

"Grimace…" Ronald tried to say more but was silenced in favor of other activities.

Later when the two of them were lying in bed, Ronald informed his friend of all that had happened previously.

"Ronald, do you think that perhaps Birdie was killed for knowing too much about McCheese's activities? I still don't believe that he was innocent of that."

"Grim, if you'd seen him the way I had you'd have believed him as well. He didn't do either crime. I think the only way to solve this crime is to find the Hamburgler. He's the key to all of this." Turning out the light, Ronald lay in bed thinking about everything.

Somehow he would have to discover the whereabouts of the Hamburgler. There was no way that Hamburgler would ever come to him. Perhaps another person…

"GRIMACE!" Ronald jumped up in bed, startling his lover.

"Ronald! What in the-"

"You need to set up a meeting with the Hamburgler. Tonight. Now don't give me that look. We all know how to contact him. Getting that meeting is the hard part." Ronald quickly laid out a plausible reason for Grimace to call the Hamburgler- that Ronald was stiffing his employee on wages and wanted the Hamburgler to "even up the score".

A few calls later, a meeting was set up. Grimace was to meet the Hamburgler at the playground outside of the local kindergarten in a few hours time.

"I hope you know what you're doing…" Grimace said softly.


	4. Chapter 4

The Hamburgler was waiting as promised. The years had not been kind to him and his addictions had turned the once proud gentleman thief into a shaking wreck looking for his next fix.

Grimace walked slowly up to the small figure sitting quietly on the playground bench.

"You called, freak?" Grimace glared at the small man.

"I'm not a freak."

"Funny… I would have thought that someone in your position would have qualified." The Hamburgler smirked at the purple figure. "Gee, sorry miss-erm… mister-erm… what the hell are you now exactly?"

"None of your damn business what I currently am right now. What I want right now is a little help." Grimace handed a full envelope to Hamburgler. After viewing the contents, the Hamburgler spoke once more.

"Whaddya want? I thought our business was done already."

"Shhh… that's not what I want. I just want to know one thing… did you kill her?"

The Hamburgler looked around them nervously. "I ain't answering anything like that. I don't trust you as far as I could throw you."

"I figured that someone like you wouldn't have had the guts to do it. They're saying it was a real assassin. I just wanted to know that you still had the balls to do a real hit." Grimace began to get up and walk away.

"Alright! I did it! Happy?" squeaked the Hamburgler.

Ronald started to move out of the bushes but was stopped by the Hamburgler's next sentence.

"After all, you paid me to do it."

Reeling, Ronald stepped out into the middle of the playground. At his appearance the Hamburgler tried to run but tripped over a jump rope that had been left in the middle of the playground.

"Grimace. You did this to me?" Ronald raised the gun he'd kept hidden in his oversized pockets.

"Ronald- I didn't… I…" Grimace protested, hands raised in front of it's body.

"That freak sure did hire me- said that it couldn't stand seeing you with a slut. Better a slut than a freak in my opinion."

"I did it for us, Ronald! Birdie was going to leave you for someone else!"

"Explain." Ronald said tersely, his gun never wavering.

"I tried getting back in touch with you after a few years. Just for old times. But I met Birdie instead. Everyone was right- she was magnificent. She could make you feel like the only person on the planet… or she could make you feel like slime. She used me just like everyone else she ever met."

Ronald felt like vomiting. "You… slept with her?"

"Only because she blackmailed me. She said she'd tell everyone about my little secret and get me thrown out of the city for bogus charges if I didn't sleep with her. I had to Ronald! She was an evil bitch!"

Grimace collaped on the bench, sobbing noisily. If this was meant to strike pity into Ronald's heart, it failed miserably.

"She was going to leave you anyway, you know. Once she got the money from the Fry Kids. Yeah, that's right. Your precious princess was the one doing the embezzling. She was planning on getting enough so she'd be able to afford her own little hideaway in Europe."

"You lie. Birdie never would have done that." Ronald's hand shook slightly.

"You sweet and stupid man. Birdie was capable of that and more. She was going to divorce you and take you to the cleaners. I couldn't allow her to do that to you. You worked so hard to get where you are, Ronald!"

Grimace stood and reached to Ronald beseechingly. "Please Ronald… you and me. Just like old times. Didn't I make you feel good? Even with the specter of Birdie's death hanging over us, weren't you happier than when you were with her and she was alive?"

Grimace reached for the gun. Ronald jerked his hand back and the two struggled for the gun. A loud bang, then nothing blackness dripped over Ronald's vision.

'_Birdie…' Ronald saw her sitting on a blanket in the middle of a beautiful meadow. _

'_Hiya Ronald.' Birdie said sadly. 'I guess you heard everything.'_

'_Why Birdie? Wasn't I enough?' He sat down next to Birdie, who then pulled Ronald's head down in her lap._

'_It wasn't about you Ronald. I was just… sick. If it means anything now, I'm sorry. If I could've done it over, I'd have stayed.'_

'_But what about the embezzlement funds?'_

'_Ronald… I-'_

"CLEAR!" _A painful sensation began to emanate from Ronald's chest. _

'_Ronald! Just remember-'_

"CLEAR! We gotta pulse, people!"

Ronald's eyes opened slightly to see a mass of blurry shapes and flickering lights above him. Then again, blackness enveloped him.

"Ronald…" Ronald heard someone call out his name.

Ronald opened his eyes slowly. He was in a hospital room, multiple IVs hooked up to his arms. The King stood in front of him.

"Ronald… you're awake!" The King's voice was both sad and jubilant.

"Wha… what happened?"

"Grimace shot you. It was a struggle over the gun." The King moved over to the hospital room window and adjusted the drapes to allow more sun into the room.

"How did you know I was going to be there?" Ronald asked curiously.

"I… I've been following you and Grimace for a while. I was just worried about you, Ronald. Grimace just seemed so jittery when you two got back together. I'd followed you to McCheese's then to your home."

Ronald sighed and leaned back into his hospital bed. "Where is Grimace now?"

"In jail. It confessed everything. Hamburgler got away, but they'll get him eventually. But Ronald…"

"I'll be ok. I think. I just can't believe it all. Grimace killed Birdie. Birdie embezzled money with the Fry Kids."

"What? No, Ronald. Birdie never did that. It was all the Fry Kids."

"How the hell do you know all of that? What are you, some kind of special agent or something?"

"Erm… yeah. Actually, I am."

As the King proceeded to tell Ronald the entire sordid story, the sunlight quickly turned into moonlight.

"Birdie was innocent. She talked to the Fry Kids because I asked her to. They wouldn't trust me, but they were suckers for a pretty face. Then she discovered she was pregnant and she wanted out of all of it. If it matters, she wanted to give it a try being faithful to you. Maybe she'd have done it this time. Despite it all, she really loved you."

Ronald closed his eyes. Birdie was innocent. At least he had that much.

"Thanks."

The King then left Ronald to his silent inner council. Where he'd be going from here, he didn't know. This was something he may never get over, Grimace's betrayal… That was a lot for anyone to absorb. At least he now knew the truth of Birdie's death.


End file.
